Spudsie

Ps... I wrote this about 3 weeks ago...

.. I am having a hard time beginning this post so I will just be abrupt and tell you. I am pregnant!

I'm not married but I have been with my fiance for the past six years and for the past 2 years I have longed for a little one of my own. More than a wedding, a house, or a career. It's something I really wanted. About a year ago my doctor told me that I might not be able to get pregnant because of certain things. This absolutely broke my heart and that's when I stopped taking any precautions to keep myself from being pregnant. I cried and cried and I even blocked baby pictures from my news feed on facebook. That's how bad it bothered me. I know it sounds so selfish but I had to do something to keep a safe mind and by doing that I finally was at peace with what may be.

This year has been a really bad one, my relationship was really screwed up, I didn't really know who I was becoming, the one person I could talk to about anything passed away, and I was never really happy but I didn't understand why. I prayed about it often... for god to give me something different with my life that would make me feel satisfied. I have literally been counting down the days till new year... screw christmas. Then right before Thanksgiving I wasn't feeling really well and my fiance said maybe your pregnant. I didn't get excited like any of the other 10 times I got a pregnancy test, in fact I was so in doubt that I actually waited to take it until the next morning.

 There it was.... I actually read it wrong at first and threw it in the trash. Then I thought let me check it again and opened the instructions to make sure. I'm pregnant? It was so unreal that I couldn't believe it so I went about the next couple of days without saying anything. Then my two little sisters came over and I told them I thought I was. Of course they have heard this a thousand times and I showed them the test... they went to the store bought a more expensive one and made me take it. They couldn't believe it... I still couldn't either but it was true!

The hardest part for me was telling the rest of my family. I really didn't know what anyone would think about it. I was so happy and excited though that I was willing to face the unknown reactions. I promised myself that no matter what was said, this is what makes me happy and I am ready for it.

I will be the first in my family to have a little one. The first to make my parents grandparents and the first to make my grandparents great grandparents. That's kind of a hard thing to swallow... making everyone feel old and all. The other major thought in my head went out to my older sister... she's been in a long relationship but isn't married and no children. I wanted her to be happy but I knew that it might break her heart. Why wouldn't it when I couldn't take seeing a baby picture? I love my older sister and I want her to be happy but this situation was honestly not planned.

I will be 25 years old in February I am so happy that I will have something little inside of me to love and care for. I was able to unblock the baby pictures on facebook without a tear and pure joy. Does that not say something? I don't care if I am not married or if I don't have what people say is a solid career. I feel pretty lucky to be able to make money at home take care of my little one at the same time.

I am a little scared about my pup missing some love, losing the spare room studio, staying focused with my business goals and having to begin a new more packed schedule but I am willing to make it work. I always love a challenge and change. I think having faith and keeping calm with be my main focus with this new exciting change. I also hope that this little one will bring joy to the rest of my family and that they will love it and teach it everything they know.

For those of you who may feel the same way I did because of the situation your in. I know how you feel I only have to say that it seems like when you let it go and you accept the situation, it surprises you. I feel so lucky to know that I can get pregnant. I can only begin to understand the pain of not being able to have the child. How bad it would hurt and how life can seem pointless. Just promise yourself not to let it overcome you. Don't let it stop you from trying or seeing your path in life. Have faith.