In the past two years I have had to do a lot of moving backwards when I imagined myself moving forwards. I had to lose things / sacrifice things that comforted me and made me happy. I had to put all my cherished special things away in storage, things I thought I would miss. I couldn't shop to make myself feel good. I couldn't do a lot of the things that use to make me happy because I no longer had those freedoms to spend and do as I please. I was forced into living simply. I had to downsize majorly and for me that took a lot of stress, aggravation, sadness and hopelessness.
I mean I could have got credit cards and made myself think that life will make itself work but I haven't always been the best at blinding myself to reality. I am the person that makes it clear whats going on in my life... maybe even a bit dramatic at times.
Now that I am back in my own space and unpacking all the forgotten things that I haven't seen in years. I realize I am the most happiest I have ever been. What I thought was the best and happiest moments of my life before losing it all was actually just a imagined happiness. I imagined that stuff and things would make me happy and I made myself believe that.
In fact I catch myself doing this a lot. Making a plan in my head for happiness. If I do this this and this then life will be good for me and I will be happy. Or if I have this this and this then life will be easier and I will be happy. What I have realized and learned now coming full circle is that I can be happy right now. What I mean is yes I can have goals and dreams and things that make me happy but sometimes I need to check myself. Ask myself am I really happy? Am I enjoying this moment?
There are those types that live everyday without a care in the world, no goals, no dreams just pure happiness and I always despised that because how do you live life to the fullest when your just living day by day? How do you accomplish anything or make life easy if you don't have goals for yourself.
It's a delicate balance that everyone has a problem with whether your a overachiever or yolo type. We all have to check ourselves out of our normal for a moment to check in on our happiness because what we think makes us happy may be a false reality. I'm here as that witness.
It took me losing my stuff to see that those things did not make my life any easier or happier like I thought it did. I also realized that shopping although sometimes on a rare occasion can be therapy can actually cause more stress later and even though the habit was hard to break I am glad I did. When I say shopping I mostly mean thrifting. Which can be addicting!
I discovered that my sincere happiness comes from allowing myself to live in the moment. Cutting off the net, not sharing everything, letting my self just be and not dreaming and scheming about the future. Living simply it's something I'm still working hard at but I thought I share the beginning of my journey doing it alone without any force making me do it.
Since moving I have spent and bought things for myself with the money I have saved these past years but I want to constantly check in on what is making me truly happy. Things like my little girl playing, working on landscaping my yard, loving on my pup, cooking, taking care of myself, and enjoying a kiss from my sweetheart.