I really feel like I can't function now. This past weekend my grandma passed away. In a way it was super unexpected but in a way we should have known it was coming. The sad thing is I didn't get to say goodbye. I know I did the best I could to see my grandma this past year in the nursing home, I just wish I would have been there to let her go. The last time.

Instead I was at home on my laptop receiving a phone call from my younger sister who had been the only one to go see her that day, but in a way that was just right. My younger sister is undoubtedly a lot stronger in situations like that than I could ever be.

 The last time I saw my grandma I told her I was bailing her out that we were going to fly out of this cuckoos nest. I really thought she was going to see me get married and possibly see my 1st child. I honestly felt like she was going to last forever. I could count a handful of times since my grandpa's death 10 years ago that we thought she was dead. Every time we did think it was over she would come back little less stronger than she was before. I can't imagine her pain.

She was a beautiful lady full of flaws but with such a caring and loving heart. She loved to talk on the phone, she loved animals like they were her children, and she always made time for family. She finished each day with screwdriver and started it with a cigarette. She enjoyed life on her terms.

My grandma was my world. She gave me a place to stay when my mom and I didn't get along. She taught me how to cook every meal I know. Her bed sheets always smelled fresh of downy and you were guaranteed a home cooked meal from scratch full of flavor. She showed me that an animal could be my best friend. She made me think I could be an actress or anything I ever wanted. She taught me how to be a story teller and how to have an imagination.

I feel like my present is just a blink from the past when I think of the memories I share with my cousins because of my grandma. I love her soooooooo much. I will never forget her... I will feel blessed when I come across her again in heaven. It just hurts soo much. I will feel a lot better when this week is over.


  1. Courtney, i don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but i believe when we leave this plane of existence we simply walk through the doorway to another dimension but really don't go anywhere in a sense. she is all around you and you can never be separated. hugs

  2. oh sweetie i'm so sorry for your loss. like willow i believe too that our loved ones are still with us somehow. you're in my thoughts.


So what do you think? I love reading comments... drop me a line and a link!