Thoughts: Being a Introvert at heart and an Extrovert in spirit

I don't get the chance to socialize much since many of my days are spent at home working and taking care of my 1 1/2 year old. So when I do get a chance to get out to setup for a festival or for something social I always talk the entire time to anyone who comes near me. I love it so much that I skip out on eating just to keep talking. I want to say I am a social butterfly which is how it seems but to be honest I am not.

The funny thing is that professors I had in college and even people who worked right next to me in class don't even know who I am at social events or things where I see them because I was always quiet and working unless there was something about you that intrigued me. I always felt like I wasn't as good as anyone else or that my professor might not think of me like an artist because I was an art education major. It really kept me from discovering a lot more about me.

Recently this past year after having the baby I felt like I needed that connection with people so I have been pushing myself to say "hey" and reintroduce myself if I have to with a smile. I am way more confident than I was before I had the baby not sure why but it just happened. I guess squeezing a baby out of you makes you feel like you can do anything. Either way the point is that I went from being introverted when I had a public job/life to extroverted when my life no longer included interacting with other people. I have to say it is strange but I love this shift in my personality and identity.

I am no longer worried about if someone has certain ideas of me. I no longer judge people by their first interaction with me. I have realized that people change constantly. Sometimes it takes a few hellos to get a response and for the 1% of people who just hate happy people I still make sure that they know they can't change my happy nature.

I have found that dropping the preconceived ideas I had about people and genuinely connecting with them by pushing myself out of my comfort zone ends up making the best connections and connections are really what make your life so much more magical.

I think when your constantly interacting with the public whether it's your job or your life it can keep you from appreciating the process of interacting. It can lead some to think that everyone is wanting something from you rather than I might learn something from them. It might lead you to think that you can judge someone within minutes of meeting them when you have no clue that individuals back story. Sometimes it gets to the point where we start judging people through the social media connections they have and from my own life and experiences this doesn't even begin to describe a person. Even if it seems like they live online. You don't know me until you have spent some time with me.

Sometimes I like to think of my life as an experiment in which I like to test things out. I like to observe and listen to people and react in ways that maybe I wouldn't normally do. It's not me being fake it's me discovering different parts of who I could be or who I really am. I don't ever feel or think like I am better than anyone but that could be the pieces in me. While that was what kept me from socializing before now I see it as an asset because I can make people comfortable enough to talk to me genuinely. This builds relationships and connections that can take you further than you ever imagined.

I have to say I love being alone. I love having me time. I love working in my own quiet space. I love that I don't physically have to deal with peoples issues on a daily basis. I see though how filled up I get after forcing myself out there and saying hello, not judging and just let the conversation steer what happens. I learned to appreciate the power of interaction and communication. So am I an introvert or an extrovert or does life just try to balance itself out?

Quiet Mouse

It is indeed strange that more and more I find myself not sharing so much via social media. I have sat here and wondered exactly why but I am unsure that there is a clear answer to that. It may just be a moment for me but also I think it's me just waiting for the next big moment of my life and knowing it's just around the corner. I am literally enjoying the moment lately and not trying to capture it, sometimes it seems that those lines can really start to blur... are you really enjoying a moment or are you just to busy trying to record it. It's something I think about lately... and I always find myself stuck in the middle wanting to share but then wanting to enjoy the moment. It is hard. I love to look back but then looking back can make you miss the past and in essence miss the present.

So I am going to enjoy this quiet moment of not being so on top of everything and working at my own pace, of not sharing or capturing every moment but rather enjoying it. Laying down and smelling the grass. Take my pup and baby for a walk to the park without my cell phone. Just relaxing. Just enjoying. Just smiling and just absorbing. It's a new hobby of mine right now and I think it's something we should all think about. 

Juniper's 1st Hike

So much to say. So much has been on my mind. Life has been full of disappointments lately that seem to have gotten the best of me. Being a mother is hard work and I envy all those who do it in high heels and a full face of make up everyday. But let me say that being a stay at home mommy is a whole other circus that can pretty much wear and tear on a mother. I just want to take a moment to say that I have a whole new appreciation for those moms who stay at home to take care of their babies and try to accomplish anything else. Your amazing. I know its getting better every day and instead of fighting it I am learning to embrace those things I can't control. Things like not being able to go to the bathroom till she is finished eating or she is full on down for a nap. Things like not being able to pack orders until late hours in the night when she is asleep. Things like living off of 4 hours of sleep because to get things done you have to do them some time. Things like cleaning everyday because she's at the point where shes getting into everything. Average day is 1 load dishes, 2 loads laundry, sweep and vacuum, baby circuit training on everything from rolling carts to bouncaroos, to setting up obstacle courses in the living room to keep her entertained and then putting it all back in her room because I live at my moms and people have to get around.

It takes a toll... on my psych and my body. My baby bump seems to have formed into a permanent muscle that supports the baby (refer to first picture) and I am not too fond of it. I have googled and bought every super food, energy boosting, healthy food I can find to keep up with it all and although it works on a rare occasion... a lot of days are spent napping when she naps, laying on the floor half asleep while she plays, and crying. Lots of crying. I wish I could say different but I think it's just me learning how to be a mother. How could I know what to do or what to expect if I have never been a mother before.

Of course being a stay at home mother comes with its perks. Being able to plan activities that will include our whole family on last minute occasions. Seeing every new accomplishment and hearing every new sound. It's part of the reason I cry because it's going soo fast and it just so sweet. I feel lucky everyday. My heart melts every time she reaches for me and says momma. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that deep in her heart she loves me.

I know this is a temporary state for me. I am praying, meditating and taking time out for myself so that I can be the best mom I can be for my sweet Juniper. I usually write out little goals for myself each month and so far I haven't had the chance to even think. I know I want to focus on getting more sleep, working out, and eating right. That's it.

Nature Walk: Amber Energy

I do believe that the winter is one of my most favorite times to go for a walk in nature. It can be a bit bit of a challenge however the swift light of the golden hour you get in the winter months is just magical and the chill of the air awakens the soul which makes it all worth it.

Also this was the first time we took  baby Juni on a hike with us and it was just too perfect! She giggled and stayed awake the whole time, no fits or fusses and I think we were out roaming around with her in the carrier for a couple of hours.

Today was just beautiful and all I could see was amber energy hitting the dried weeds making them sparkle. Amber energy blending the tall dried grasses. Amber energy making the mountains radiate a warming glow in the cool air.

Nature is the one thing that keeps me from thinking about anything else. It's like an all natural drug that relieves stress and toxic thoughts. I am so happy that I chose to get out today instead of finding some excuse. 

Something to think About

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There were times in my life when I ran into these people and in the back of my mind said hurry run while you can. It starts with you being kind enough to say to a stranger hello how are you... and before you finish the gates open and a couple hours later this person is still expressing their life's drama to you.

Some people steer clear of interacting with people just for this reason. They have better things to do with their time and would rather not listen to what they deem "negative". However sometimes the best thing you could do for someone is listen. You don't have to help fix their problems or explain to them why they are right. Just allowing them to talk helps people cope with their drama and in the end all that built up pressured stress pours out just the right way with tears, laughter or in some cases screams.

This weekend I found myself listening to strangers who open their curtains and allowed me to see into their souls windows. I have never had a problem with listening, in fact it's a skill that I cherish. What I get out of it I will never know but I will say that taking the time to listen can change someone else's life for the better. If there is one thing we can do to make the world a better place it is to just LISTEN... you could be the light into a broken soul.

PS STAY TUNED THIS WEEK FOR A SUPER AWESOME JUNE GIVEAWAY AND A FEW BABY ROOM POSTS!

Late Night Walks: the truth

Every night and just about every morning I have been walking with my sister or mom. Tonight my mom passed out early and I decided to give it a whirl on my own with my pup of course. It's a  little scary to walk around the block pregnant even with a dog that looks like the big bad wolf by your side but I wanted to take the risk.

Late night walks in the warm weather are quite different from walks in the winter when no one is out... ever and everything is so bright from the reflections off snow and ice. I actually love walking alone at night in the snow and ice. Warm weather is a bit scarier with all the crazy kids about. It's darker and the street lights glow a mean yellow. It's hard to see who is out there passing from shadow to shadow. It is exciting though... peeking into the well lit homes from tv's glowing and hearing conversations through open windows. You never know what you will see. 

Tonight's walk made me a little sad. The sweet smells of warm air and the greenery reminded me of being little running around the yard in the dark. The sky full of stars and the breeze reminded me  of riding around with my friends as a teen. Then passing the dark corner onto the street of my old apartment seeing it lit up with a new life happening inside made me feel like this is a new chapter and that one is over. I am not going to lie and say I don't miss it because I really do. I loved that place and for the most part loved my life there. What pulled me out of the sad feeling that came over me was my dog because he didn't head toward it like I thought he would. He turned around with his tail curled and headed back to my moms. I know he is sad too because when we got home he whined a bit and I had to set him up a comfy spot and love on him. I miss walking into my own place. I miss the freedom having things how I want and the quiet moments alone in my own place.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! I will be selling my goods at a car show in Berea this weekend so wish me luck! Also I just got the crib up and working hard on a painting which is almost finished for her room. Hopefully I can show you some sneak peeks next week!

My Mini Escape

I recently made a very special terrarium for a very special lady who took the time to make baby Juniper 2 very cute hats and a blanket. I really want to wait to share these items with you when I can take pictures of her in the hats and wrapped in the blanket. They are too cute!!!! 

It's amazing how kind people are... people you don't even really know... when they see your bringing life into the world. It amazes me! It touches my heart and keeps me believing in the goodness of the world. How god must travel through people who secretly touch our hearts. It keeps me believing. All that from a sweet lady who took her time to do something special for someone she barely knows. 

So many good people have been flooding me with baby stuff. How could I ever worry about being without. It's awesome! I have really tried to find ways to thank each and every person but it can be a bit overwhelming so know that if you have sent me something I do appreciate it a bunch!

I put a bit of my soul into this terrarium. Planting very special findings inside from very meaningful trips during my pregnancy. I felt pretty connected with it when I finished... I wondered if I could let it go. One of the reasons I love taking pictures is because it keeps the memory and allows you to share it. So I am alright with letting this go... after all if that lovely lady hadn't given me those wonderful handmade gifts I would have never been inspired to create this beauty. 

Creating is my mini escape... what's yours?

Waterfalls and Faith

Over the weekend I enjoyed a trip to Cumberland Falls here in Kentucky. I had been here a couple of times before but it was probably the prettiest I had ever seen it. My younger sisters, Justin and the pups had a very peaceful evening enjoying the beautiful mist which captured the light so perfectly and it made me think. 

I have been praying so much lately asking god to take things into his hands and show me the way. I don't go to church and I haven't read the bible. I believe in god and I have faith that he will lead me  in the right direction because he always has for me. I would love to tell you the handful of ways god has answered my prays but I like to keep those events sacred. 

I fully believe that having faith and just talking to god are the only things you need to understand religion. I don't believe that praying about an exam is going to give you an A or that asking god to keep your dog alive is reasonable. I do think that telling god of your situation, feelings and leaving it in his hands can result in miracles. 

I didn't want to discuss this so that we could start an argument over whether god is real or not or if praying helps just wanted to give you a small peek into my beliefs. My religion is not set in stone with a name or rules it's what I believe and what works for me. I think that believing in something is way better that believing in nothing. 

Hope your Tuesday is beautiful!!!

Thoughts on Love and Marriage

I see little ones everyday at the after school program I work part time doing the art club. It's really fun and I enjoy it so much because of the freedom I have with the kids. They really make me happy on days when my pregnancy has me feeling crazy. They all stay super excited about my pregnancy. They ask me how I feel, touch my belly but the funniest thing is when they ask me about my husband and if I am married.

At first this kinda startled me and left me wondering what words I would say to answer this question when most elementary kids don't understand how having a baby works. I'm not going to lie to the kids and tell them I am married so I say no. Then they ask me if I will get married soon and I say no. Then they ask me how does that work? One kid even said don't you want a dad in your babies life? Wow that left me with my mouth hanging open for a bit carefully determining whether I should or how I should answer that. So I said this... I know some of you have or know someone else's parents who are not together and then I asked why do you think that is? All of them answered pretty quickly and said that their parents didn't get along or fought so they split. I said that sometimes we want to make things work according to how we see other people live their lives but what we have to realize is that we need to make things work according to our life not theirs. In other words just because so and so's parents live in the same house and are still married doesn't mean that my parents should be like that in order for my life to be happy.

I realized from this that our society thrives on the idea of marriage and that a baby must have a mother and father that live together to be normal. It was a shock honestly because growing up my parents split and so did almost anybody and everyone I knew. I thought at least by now kids would think that a split family was normal or predictable. Don't get me wrong I would want anything in this world to raise a kid in a happy family environment where the mom and dad get along perfectly and are madly in love but it doesn't seem to be the easiest thing to attain nowadays. 

It seems that we have to sacrifice one thing for another in most marriages. Sacrifice our own happiness for the sake of the kids. I don't know how many times I heard someone say they fell out of love with their partner years ago but stayed together for the kids. Is that right? This doesn't make sense to me. I found that when my parents split they were better parents than when they were together so why do we feel that need to sacrifice our own happiness to be miserable in the home for the kids sake.

My opinion is that parents want to protect their kids from the harsh realities of a broken family and therefore feel the need to stay together even if the love isn't there. In reality if a broken family works better apart why not try to embrace that. I am guessing that it's just the idea of a family being the father, mother and kids beside a house which is 9 out of 10 times what kids draw when you ask them to draw family. It seems like its ingrained in every child's brain that this is normal which makes it perfectly understandable why kids who are not raised by their mother and father feel out of place.

Happiness is what inspires and creates love.  If you are making yourself fit into someone's (society's) idea of a family are you happy? If you aren't happy how can you love? Which makes my ultimate question being is a Mother and Father who live together the best type of family to raise a child?

I think your getting the feel of my answer on this so what is your opinion?

PS have a lovely weekend see you Monday! Fingers crossed it gets warmer!

Missing My Cam

It was a very sad day today thinking about the tragedy and misery that those families will be going through for the rest of their lives. Thinking about the innocent angels who sat there unaware of what was going on. That's all I want to say about it because it breaks my heart.

My sister came over today so we could use her new camera to take some pictures. Just holding her camera and snapping a few pictures really made me feel good. I miss my camera. My dad is currently working on trying to fix my old one before I take the leap at buying a new one.

I really get inspired to have a camera in my hands and today I realized that I had forgotten how much I enjoy it. One of my goals is to get my camera fixed and back soon so I can capture all the memories of what is about to happen with my life.

Sometimes it seems like the only thing that helps us hold on are pictures or pieces that are left behind. I don't know why but there are beautiful moments that I have forgotten about until I saw a picture or a letter and it took me back.

These are just a couple pictures I captured today for the shop.

I can only pray and hope for those families hit with such evil that they find a way to cope. I can't imagine the pain and grief that marks their hearts forever. It's moments like this when I ask god why? 

Thinking about Presents...

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I haven't got any presents for anyone yet! This is sooo bad. I guess I could say it's because money is tight for me right now and that keeps me from wanting to shop. Also there is just so much going on in my head and it doesn't even feel like christmas!! It's like summer outside! I don't need to wear a jacket or socks and a long sleeve tshirt makes me hott. Is it the same where your at??

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So I keep thinking about what I want to do for presents. I try every year to buy stuff and I never make anything because I hate to do that. For some reason I feel like what if they don't like it... maybe they will feel pressured to have to display it because I made it. You know that kind of thing because I think like that.

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Anyway the absolute truth is that I am trying to get my life back on track and get myself out of a huge hole. So I am attempting to hold onto any money I have or get. I hate to be like that.

Last year I signed up for a credit card to get both of my parents something really nice for Christmas. I was really excited and it felt good. Then I soon realized..... how stupid I had been. Thinking I was going to just pay it off and move on. Let's just say I just got done paying that sucker off. I am telling myself I will never sign up for one again. PS... that wasn't my only one. I am down to one card now and the goal is to have it payed off by Christmas. Therefore I don't have money to be spending on Christmas presents which is kinda sad but in the long run it will be the best thing for me.

This means I will be doing the dreaded making the Christmas presents gig but with the help of little to no cash. I am not dreading it by any means because I love making things. I'm just nervous about the reaction my family will give me.

My plan is to paint everyone a picture based on the colors of their rooms and what I think they would like. So we will see how this turns out. Deep down I feel like maybe I should have a back up plan but for some reason I'm just not doing that. It is kind of a way to force myself to be as creative as I can which is actually exciting!

So what are you doing for presents? Are you finished shopping yet?